(or What to Wear to the End of Life as We Know It Party.)
Okay, so this isn’t
what we (blondes) thought it was when we heard someone yell, “Here comes the
big one!” So, yeah, we ran around screaming, “Where?” and “I want to see him!”
and “How big is it?” for about a half-hour until it finally dawned on us, like,
man meat . . .? I don’t think so. Like,dah! So, someone put me in charge and
said, “Hey, Lynn, you know how to write—write something down . . . we’ll follow you . . .
come on, girl, take control, you can do it!” So, okay, let’s do this:
First,
let’s think of it as if we’re going on a cruise . . . a really long cruise, you
know, like to the Mediterranean or the South Pole or somewhere and we have to
pack a bag. Damn, I hate packing, don’t you? Oh well, let’s try to figure out
what we’re going to need. I mean, we have to decide what’s really important.
So, let’s get some lipstick, fingernail polish, and toenail polish, all in the
“Blood-red” color. (Men, you can do this too!) And throw in some dark
eye-shadow . . . very dark . . . like, I’m talkin’ black. When it’s time, you
can apply same to appropriate areas. Be liberal and not too careful. Why? So
when the post-apocalyptic zombies come for you, they take one look and think you
look worse than they do. They won’t bother you.
Second,
you’re going to need a flashlight. Let’s not forget who’s the most important
person in the room, any room, you are! So, if the end of the world means no
electricity, and the lights go out, make sure that you can spotlight yourself
so that everyone can see and know who to follow. Don’t forget the
batteries.
Third,
tanning stuff! Let’s assume that some nice pool boy has left you a lounge chair
with a super-big umbrella and a little drink table. (You don’t expect me to
bring those things with me do you? Come on, boys, I’m blonde!) Pump-spray, so we
don’t hurt the Ozone any more than the solar flare will when it knocks out the
magnetic field surrounding the earth. That’s going to make things REALLY hot,
and not the good kind of hot like the man meat I mentioned earlier. I suggest “Banana
Boat, Deep Tanning Oil” SPF 4. Ignore the warning label that says, “Not rated
for anything over 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit: Sun flares and all that.” And, don't forget your favorite pair of shades.Fourth, when you’re greased up and all, you’re going to need something to drink. Remember the little drink table? Water’s okay and I suggest you have some. In addition, you’ll need Bacardi Rum and an orange. (Have a pocket knife so you can slice up that orange and put it on the rim of your glass.) Finish out your drink with a cocktail umbrella because they’re really cute. Get one that matches your fingernail polish, because it's not whether you live or die, it's whether you're "lookin' good!"
Fifth, is a package of Oreo cookies. According to the Mayan Calendar, the world is going to end 12-21-12. Fortunately, the design on the Oreo cookie says not to worry.
Finally, if you survive the Solar Flare, the giant Asteroid, and/or being sucked into the enormous Black Hole at the center of the Galaxy when the planets align, you’ll need a can of tuna. (Bring your own opener because I don’t do that. I’m blonde, remember?) Oh, and by the way, bring a deck of cards to play Solitare in case you're the only one who survives. See you all on the other (Blonde) side of midnight . . . December 22, 2012!
